OCD - Part 1

Photo taken on a Solo Trip to Palermo Italy 2022

Part 1.

After my fathers death I realized I have suffered from a form of OCD all my life.

I don’t have the tics like some, I have the ruminating kind where I get caught in a thought spiral that can be paralyzing and all consuming. I feel as though there is a roar around my head that drowns out anything or anyone around me - it is not always like this but this is when my symptoms are highly acute and they bury me. Over the years I have learned to calm myself down - and at times I am completely anxiety and ocd free but when I am triggered and already in an anxious place I am almost powerless against the rumination.

My father died in February of 2023. His death was extraordinary, he was extraordinary. He was surrounded by love and loved ones and complete at peace with moving on. It was beautiful to be there and take care of him as he let go, but it was incredibly hard - much of the sadness surrounded the wildly complex relationship we had prior.

I was raised in the 70’s & 80’s and he was a man of the 60’s - drugs, alcohol and complicated women were the were my childhood.

I describe my life as a young person as wholly un-parented - my brother and I were pretty latchkey and I was often afraid, his addictions and our lifestyle meant a lot of unpredictability and a lot of chaos.

Later, in his sobriety he never really forgave himself. I know he loved me but I think he was scared to let himself love me outwardly, to let himself apologize and to let himself be forgiven for the wreckage of my youngest years.

3 weeks before he passed, he called me up (I didn’t know he was dying at the time) and apologized. He said

“I’m sorry sweetheart, when you were young your cares and concerns were not my cares and concerns and I brushed them all away.”

I am so thankful for those words. They were so apt- and so needed.

During the week of his death was able to let his guard down entirely. As he was passing he surrounded me with the deepest love I have ever known. It was beautiful and it was horrible.

Being loved, wholly, unapologetically, seeing that his love had been there all along, hidden under shame and regret was like stumbling into an oasis I had been aching for my whole life, only to have it dry up a few days after finding it.

I was grateful and, I was devastated. I had always needed him and I felt robbed.

After he passed I took 5 weeks to grieve and then returned to my home in Portland where my life shattered completely - but the devastation that came from the post death chaos brought me here today and now I understand so much more about me. I can talk openly about my OCD and the complexities and the gifts that come with it - I look forward to sharing.

My story is long :). Stay tuned

♥️

Ryan